DES MOINES — After years of struggling with unpaid bills, default judgments and foreclosure proceedings, Iowa farmer Derek Wulf reportedly discovered an innovative financial strategy this summer: becoming useful to a statewide political campaign.
“Banks hate this,” said Wulf, watching several six-figure obligations begin resolving shortly after his nomination. “For years, I tried farming, budgeting and not answering court filings. Turns out I should’ve just gotten into politics sooner.”
Sources confirmed the breakthrough occurred almost immediately after Republican gubernatorial nominee Zach Lahn selected Wulf as his running mate, triggering the arrival of bridge financing from a lender whose identity remains protected by the traditional banking principle of none of your goddamn business.
Campaign officials praised Wulf’s resilience.
“Derek represents every Iowa farmer who has ever fallen behind by roughly a million dollars and then been rescued by anonymous guarantors after joining a major-party ticket,” said spokesperson Caleb Dornsife. “That’s the kind of relatable, kitchen-table experience voters are hungry for. You simply will not see someone pull himself up by the bootstraps in that damn communism movement on the left.”
His running mate was unable to respond to requests for comments as he was on a flight back to Wichita, Kansas, at press time.
