WASHINGTON — Sen. Chuck Grassley assured Iowans Tuesday that rumors surrounding his eventual retirement remain greatly exaggerated, confirming he fully intends to continue serving until the universe itself ceases supporting thermodynamic activity.
Grassley unveiled a tentative campaign schedule extending several trillion years into the future, including county visits following the collapse of the Milky Way and constituent coffees after the last stars have burned out.
“My work isn’t finished,” Grassley reportedly said while casually remembering events historians still consider prehistoric. “Besides, I’ve already committed to all 99 counties.”
Scientists acknowledged the senator now represents one of the few constants they feel comfortable building long-term cosmological models around.
