DES MOINES — Republican gubernatorial nominee Zach Lahn was reportedly stunned Wednesday to learn that the cock ring company he invested $1 million in had nothing whatsoever to do with tracking chickens.
“In my defense, they kept calling it a wearable device for monitoring cock performance,” Lahn said. “I own an Iowa farm and am a LIFELONG Iowa farmer. What the hell was I supposed to think?”
Lahn invested $1 million in FirmTech through Selah Group LLC in 2021 and served on the company’s board. The company makes wearable erection rings designed to monitor sexual health and help men maintain extremely firm, rock-hard cocks, which Lahn said finally explains why nobody at FirmTech ever seemed interested in his questions about why the rings had such a large circumference.
“I kept asking whether they had tested these things on Rhode Island Reds,” Lahn said. “No one is going to need a ring this big around, it’ll keep falling off their cocks. Everyone just looked at me funny.”
Campaign officials said Lahn had hoped to deploy the technology at the Belle Plaine farm connected to his family, where the Iowa gubernatorial candidate definitely lives and would have no conceivable reason to instead spend his evenings at a multimillion-dollar home hundreds of miles away in Wichita, Kansas.
The misunderstanding reportedly persisted until this week, when Lahn asked a campaign aide why the media kept saying he invested in a sex toy.
“So – wait – you put this around your dick?” he asked.
The aide confirmed that was generally the idea.
Lahn said the revelation also cleared up several confusing FirmTech board meetings and why investors seemed unusually excited whenever executives discussed penetrating new markets.
