DES MOINES — Declaring that Iowa’s children have spent far too long consuming public resources without generating measurable economic output, gubernatorial candidate Zach Lahn unveiled a proposal Monday aimed at getting 11-year-olds back to doing what they do best: creating shareholder value.
“We have this excellent policy at the private school I founded not far from here in Whichita, Kansas, where those in sixth grade are already able to begin apprenticeships,” Lahn said. “You want to know why Iowa kids are so fat? We give them snack time in school when they could be creating shareholder value. I promise that will end on day 1 of my administration.”
The proposal would allow middle schoolers to begin apprenticeships years before entering high school, ensuring Iowa students graduate with practical skills such as filling out timesheets, pretending to enjoy mandatory team-building exercises and wondering where all the money from their paycheck went.
Campaign officials said the initiative would also help address Iowa’s workforce shortage and slumping GDP while dramatically reducing the amount of free time children currently spend being children.
Supporters praised the plan as an innovative way to prepare students for adulthood earlier than ever before.
“I wish someone had introduced me to burnout before puberty,” said Cedar Rapids manufacturing executive Todd Weller. “It would’ve made the transition much smoother.”
